I AM Taking My Power back.

I am setting myself FREE.

This is a very sensitive subject for me, and one that is currently set ablaze all around the world.

The opportunity for me to speak up and clear this shame surrounding Race for myself is NOW.

Growing up, I’ve always felt outcasted, not only by the color of my skin, moreso by the ethnicities that others would ASSUME I was.

“What are you mixed with?

Black? Mexican? Spanish? Hawaiian? Asian?

You don’t look like anyone I’ve seen before.”

Gee, thanks.

(I’ll take that as a compliment).

I was raised in a multi-cultural household.

By a mother mixed with Hawaiian, Caucasian, Chinese, Japanese, Portugese, Philipino, Irish, Polish, English, and more. Yes, more. (Hawaii is a melting pot, a very diverse one).

And a father identifying as Black, with White ancestors and surely African roots.

The topic itself is touchy, as I, being the eldest child of three, grew up surrounded by my families on both sides, telling me often how my father was not my blood father, and I was not black.

Then, being ridiculed, shamed & judged by said father (the one who raised me) that I was not proud of my black roots.

Yet, this same father knowing, I’m sure, of what his relatives (and my mother’s) would whisper to me when my parents weren’t looking.

Cruelity in its most simplest form.👆🏽

This continued on into my pregnancy, with my relative’s wife letting me know every chance she could that He was not my dad.

Then, upon completing my Yoga teaching certification in Hawaii, my Papa’s wife of 20+ years reminding me of this same “Truth” and that I should really ask my blood grandma on the island to tell me the truth once and for all.

This “Truth” being DENIED by my mother and father my whole life, as if me knowing who my father is didn’t matter. Only when I wasn’t acting “black enough”, then it did. And at that point, that truth was a lie.

So, the topic of RACE has ALWAYS been a trigger. Especially when it comes to mine.

Truth be told: I’ve NEVER found it to even matter. On a deep Soul level, I knew that I was simply a soul inhabiting a body, a body with brown skin, into a family with many different skin colors, and I thought THAT was beautiful.

I thought THAT was why I was here.

To BLUR the segregated lines between white, black and brown. Because in my beliefs, I was all.

(because if he truly isn’t my blood father, then who knows what my real father’s ethnic makeup is??? No one, except maybe my mom, and it’s something I feel she may take to her grave)

Still, to be shamed for not embracing something that stems from a half-truth, hurt. And led me into a pattern of self shaming, ridicule, embarrassment, pain, insecurity and immense suffering.

No one ever stopped to ask me how I felt regarding this confusion. How I was doing. If and how it affected me in any way.

No One.

Especially not my parents.

And though I love them both dearly, and have forgiven them for many of the traumas, patterns and wounds I’ve experienced as a child, I felt immense shame, blame and disgust surrounding it all.

So much so, that I’ve carried it with me through my adulthood.

And anytime I was honest and shared this with anyone I deeply cared about, they threw it in my face as soon as they could.

My daughter’s father began calling me, and my family, “N—–s” whenever he wanted to pour salt into my deepest wounds. (Though his best friends are black and he grew up in the ghetto of North Las Vegas 😏)

Just today, a dear friend referred to me and blacks as “You People”, and though her ignorance was good intentioned, the salt was still poured. Even after knowing my sensitivity to all of it.

(I lovingly acknowledge that the wound needed to be seen/healed/embraced and transformed, and for that I am grateful.)

I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired of explaining, defending and justifying myself.

I am tired of feeling SHAME and GUILT for identifying (or not) as any particular race.

I truly believe I came into this family, into this body, to TRANSCEND THE LINES THE WORLD PLACES ON PEOPLE BASED ON RACE.

Because really… I’m at least 10 different ethnicities, whether or not BLACK is one of them is not going to change WHO I AM AS A SOUL and As an Infinite Being WHO is SOO MUCH MORE THAN ALL OF IT.

(And if I was, or wasn’t, why does it matter and affect so many other people?)

I’ve felt such immense shame about all of this that I’ve kept it bottled up within me my entire life. #ChironInCancer

Only when someone ignorantly passes judgement on me related to what they ASSUMED was my ethnicity; I immediately feel the rage of the trigger; and the emotions of anger, shame, guilt and rejection come forth like a tidal wave.

(Imagine being a small impressionable child, feeling completely alienated, SHAMED and guilted for A) not knowing my “real” dad according to family members and B) not owning my Blackness [that may or may not exist]. Excuse me, but WTF.)

It’s ironic, being a mixed child, to be shamed for not owning ONE SINGLE race that “might” be in my DNA. Considering they both went outside of their race to be together. THAT should be the focus, and THAT is BEAUTIFUL.

I’d like to add that regardless of whether or not he is my BLOOD father, he is STILL my father and I love him for doing the best he could to raise us when he did. There has been a lot of strain in our relationship, and it’s by no means healed, though we are on the path of healing. And for this, I am grateful.

I’ve been surrounded by black people my whole life, and I love them all. (I say they because I never *felt* truly accepted and equal) I love black culture. I love my Hawaiian culture. I love my asian, spanish and allllll the cultures that helped mold and define who I was. And Am. In a limited, human way.

I’ve dated men of many ethnicities, and I never cared for one moment what that was.

I also know my path here, in this lifetime, is beyond race.

It is to Heal mySelf first, and help the world move beyond our differences, to realize that beneath our skin color, and race, WE ARE SO MUCH MORE.

In fact, We ARE Infinite. 

I don’t want my skin color to be a novelty.

(I dated someone who would tell me often how he knew he was meant to be with a brown girl. Ugh.)

I don’t want to be assumed a certain race and watch (in horror) photographers DARKEN MY SKIN COLOR because their ignorance felt justified in doing so. (See distastefully edited photo below, and sadly there are more).

I don’t want to be treated differently because I’m not polynesian enough, white enough, or black enough.

Especially when it is a trigger of a much deeper wound that seems like it will never be solved by anyone other than me.*

*and solved by ACCEPTANCE, because at this point, confirming paternity doesn’t matter to me, at all.

In fact, I don’t want ANY OF IT to define who I am.

I am taking my power back by speaking up and sharing my truth.

It doesn’t matter WHO my “blood” father is, because the one who raised me IS my dad.

End of story.

(Regardless of his race)

No one will ever shame me for this ever again.

It doesn’t matter WHAT RACES/ETHNICITIES I am mixed with, because in God/ddess/Spirit’s Eyes I AM PERFECT.

And I will no longer give my power away by allowing this Shame and Trauma from my childhood continue to be awakened by other people’s ignorance, no matter how well meaning.

Growing up mixed in a world so quick to separate and divide, has not been easy.

Gratefully, nowadays, there are less lines being drawn when it comes to LOVE and so many more mixed children being born with many, many ethnicities and cultural backgrounds.

Luckily, the new children being born Care Not about the color of their skin and instead, about the LOVE pulsing deep within each other’s hearts.

I promise to continue to raise my daughter to See BEYOND color and to look to the SOUL that lies within each and every divine reflection she meets.

I promise to LOVE and ACCEPT MYSELF Completely, *Especially* EVERYTHING that makes me UNIQUELY ME.

And That Is MY POWER.

Because NO ONE is Me.

(And No One Is You)

That is YOUR POWER too.

So I say, OWN IT.

Because from here on out, I AM.

Next time anyone tries to call me black, white, asian, I will politely refer them to this post.

Because I AM ALL AND NONE OF IT.

I SIMPLY AM.

And you can’t take that away from me.

And So It Is

To hear me speak and read this post outloud, plus add more perspective and introspection to the blog, check out my latest Podcast Episode on Anchor.fm below:

Thanks for your support!